When I Forget

It is a practice. 

It is a practice. 

      I had a very powerful personal experience of not feeling my own feelings.  Sometimes I think of my unexpressed feelings as going into a bucket in my heart.  Sadness over the loss of a small bird? In the bucket it goes to be dealt with later.  Anger over the state of politics? Can't change it, into the bucket for now.  Frustration and fear over the flu of late winter, too busy and wiped out?  Dump it into the bucket.  Shock over the loss of a long-standing dream? Wow, that is a lot to process, let's put it into the bucket for now with the promise I will deal with it later.  Only.....

      I find myself crying on the way to pick up the kids.  Or I find myself sitting on the edge of the bed and I don't know how long I have been there.  Or things that are usually just a minor inconvenience set me off in a rage of intensity.  Ok then.  Lesson learned.  So what did I do?  I slowed things down.  I rolled things back.  I journaled, I released and I cried a lot.  I expressed.  I stopped talking myself out of feeling.   I stopped taking my feelings out on others.  The bucket spilled over and rushed out.  But I think it's always more manageable to empty the bucket on purpose and maybe water some plants with it.  But I can't always follow my own advice.