Knitting Back Together

I was never meant to be the same.

I kept hoping someone would show up to help me find my way.  But no one came. 

I kept hoping someone would show up to help me find my way.  But no one came. 

 (Note: this post is quite personal and deals with some decidedly female experiences)

     Recently I was reading a book about rites of passage.  I reflected that I have been through many that were never acknowledged (as many of us have). Menstration was the first.  It happened one day out of the blue on a ski trip and left me panicked and confused.  I was given supplies and  a pitying look.  Thus began my journey into womanhood.  The next rite of passage was following child birth.  Sure, I had a baby shower, but that did NOTHING to prepare me for my journey into motherhood.

     After the birth of my daughter, it felt like all my spiritual bones were broken, pulled from my body and scattered to the four corners.  It was my job while trying to figure out how to care for a baby, to find them and reassemble myself.  I experienced such disorientation and loss.  I kept hoping someone would show up to help me find my way.  But no one came.  It took me 4 years to piece myself back together.  To knit those bones back into place.   But I was never the same; I was never meant to be.  I was a mother now and the maiden was dead.  I thought she died a sad and lonely death.   

     I used to eye the future warily.   My mother stopped menstrating at 42 due to complications.  I am 43.  I am both relieved and annoyed when my period comes now.  It is a strange feeling.  I don't want anymore kids.  My creativity is funneled into my current relationships, coaching, art and my farm.   I look forward to the freedom of menopause and the crone.  And the maiden still calls to me.  She isn't dead afterall.  She and the crone are partners.  Free, wild and fully acknowledged. 

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