Bad Friend


     I have had a heavy relationship with friendship.  I have been a bad friend.  I have hurt others.  I, in turn, have been hurt as well.  I have wanted deeper connections with people who did not want the same.  I have waited for years for friends to wake up or show up.   Often they did not.  I have blamed myself and others.  I have given up and then come back around.  

     Now in my 40's, I feel I finally understand what I did not for so many years.  We can not give to others what we do not give to ourselves.  I was not a good friend to others because I was not a good friend to myself.  I felt abandoned by friends because I had abandoned myself years before.  They could not give me connection because I had become utterly disconnected from myself and my life.  Expecting others to provide what we ourselves will not is the height of hypocrisy.  But I did not know this.  

     Finally, when I did learn how to show up for myself, all of a sudden I had people come into my life who were ready and willing to be dear friends!!!  I was not ready before.  I needed to heal and I needed to learn.  Friendships were tricky for me because I was no friend to myself.  And now I am.   I don't need friends now and so they have come.  My heart is both open and full.  So there is more than enough for all of us.  Becoming clear and healthy is not only about the body, it is always and also about the heart.  :) 

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